After hearing these words from him, I got confused and I start hearing myself like, “stop hoping as early as now…”
“The latest news on the stuff I’m facing in my life. My lawyer gave me a good mortification of child support and custody. I sent it to my ex wife for her signature. Her and I have been getting along much better. She is not doing very well in her relationship with her boyfriend. It concerns me because my son (Andy) & daughter (Marcia) still live with her. My ex-wife is trying to push me to get a divorce quickly. She has this idea that if I were divorced we can live together as friends and finish raising our children. Andy will be 13 this month and Marcia is going on 11years old. This idea is very confusing and if I where to consider doing something like this it would be a decision that I would have to make very carefully. I know my children would be in great hands with me. I give them so much security, so much love, so much peace and they are very proud of me. My children really hold their head up high when they think of me. My daughter calls me her protector. When she needs me or has a broken bone I am right there. I know the kids would do great under my roof.”
I guess, I need to start learning to let go as early as now. The worst thing that could happen between us is when he finally decide to give it a chance to live again with his ex-wife for the sake of his children. And thinking about that, I can loudly hear myself saying… “Yeah, it’s the best thing he can do for his children and I can’t be selfish for that. I’m just his online companion, an online friend or… yes a special someone, someone that is important to him but still the connection we have is just as vulnerable as the signal from satellite.”
I think, I really need to start living again the way I used to, learn to let go even if there’s still a lot of chance between us. This way, if ever he decide to live with his ex-wife again, at least, I have prepared myself and hopefully, I can easily bear the pain and I can easily move on from it. And if ever he decide the other way around, since it’s the one that I’m hoping for, that will bring a lot of excitement, for sure!
So for now, these are the things I need to start thinking about and do for myself…
– learn to let go and then let go
– detach myself from the hope that we will be together soon
– detach myself from ‘him’ but keep the connection alive
– never expect anything from him
– stop dreaming and hoping about ‘our’ future
– just enjoy each moment we share with each other
– live my life independently (either he’s there or not)
– open my heart to other options
– accept dates from other guys who’s willing to know me
– … (I might add some more as time goes by…)
These are all easier said than done. Just thinking about it caused me pain. But I know I have my chance and time now to try and practice all these, as early as now (c’mon Becks, YOU CAN DO IT!). I don’t think, there’s something from the list that could harm him or so. In fact, I see them as an advantage for him. What do you think? And if ever I got to master all those in the list, I’m pretty sure that I will cause no burden to him and that I could give him the best option he can have for his life which would also makes me happy for him.
I might paste this list on my wall to keep me reminded. I need to do this to protect my heart and never lose myself. So that whenever the right person, the best person for me comes along, I’ll be prepared to accept him with open arms and I’m still in my best self. So that, we can work out for the best future we can have.
So help me God.
My Choice 